This past weekend I had my first violin recital. It was me and 7 other violinists (all beginners, so there was an age gap of about oh, 25 years!) Everyone did it, we performed earnestly and as best we could! As I got up to perform, my nerves really kicked into high gear. It was strange they showed up because my preparation for this was to practice, breathe, allow myself to be present, and also to let it be fun. When my nerves showed up and were in high gear, it made me realize how this is a trained response.
Oh, my! A trained response... and one that doesn't really serve me, and quite frankly, I don't like. Realizing I have tools to understand this better, I opened my Akashic Records to see what's up?
They didn't disappoint! They shared with me that I have held the belief that I have to fully prepare to be successful and receive love. I had felt prepared for my recital, I had practiced, envisioned it, and had set my intention (see above.) Even with this preparation, my own belief (sorta) sabotaged me! Because to me, fully preparing meant "by making no mistakes and accomplishing your task successfully"!
Anyone else seeing the slight confusion with this system I've operated under? In essence, I really could never fully prepare because I hadn't done the thing I was preparing for to then make no mistakes! And, I also am not aware of the future, as it doesn't exist, so to fully prepare in the present means I'd have to know the future. Combining these beliefs with my constant search for love outside of myself (historically) allow for overwhelm to show up, because it is like I am constantly chasing my tail. Round and round we go, with me desiring love so working hard to prepare to succeed, with definitions that refer to each other in what excel calls a circular reference (which by the way, is it telling you it can't compute.) Overwhelm prevents presence, as the Ego is now tied into this whole circus. Overwhelm encourages judgment. Judgment prevents love from flowing in any direction.
Yikes... This is why I love the Akashic Records - their guidance and insight helps bring things full circle. Every time. Beautifully.
They shared with me, "What if showing up for something, with presence, is/was your preparation?" As in, if we are present in the moment, aware of what is happening now, that is the preparation for what is next? There isn't really a need to prepare for anything (and I am referencing emotional and possibly even mental preparation for events, things, occurrences. There are absolutely physical things we need to prepare for, with prepare being defined in the traditional sense "make ready for use or consideration.") There's another definition of prepare that means to be willing to do something.
To be willing to do something. How different are these when we change up the meaning of one word?
I am prepared (willing) to be present.
I am prepared (willing) to be successful.
I am prepared (willing) to learn.
I am prepared (willing) to not attach to what I am experiencing.
With the Records, I held some grace points and released these beliefs - from my ancestral, emotional, and ego energy bodies. I know that this topic will resurface as I continue living life! Opportunities to expand and contract our understanding of love and life abound. For now, I am grateful to have the awareness and removal of the former beliefs that led to a trained response. I want to live with anticipation (to look forward to) of what can come after the present moment.
I am prepared (willing) to release uncertainty (generally for me, feeling nervous) in favor of anticipation.
Love and light dear friends