I haven't composed a post in two months! :-| Yikes! Flow, allowance, and grace seem to be always at play as I live and breathe. As I sit here, I am wondering how many of my blog posts start with a comment about time 'delays' ... (insert hand smacking face emoji here...followed by the hug emoji because ultimately I do love myself!) It is funny how often we will give grief to ourselves and others, and how easy and casually it can be done. Grief is a complex and multi-headed being; there are so many forms, versions, experiences, and truths to grief!
As I've experienced (and still am experiencing, as grief has no specific timeline) some of the different forms of grief I am realizing how grief is a beautiful gift to us. Some of the griefs I am giving witness to, leading to this composition, are the sudden death of my cousin, the dispersing of my close community, the loss of a physicality I knew and loved, and even a shifting out of how I identify myself. Where each of these are in some ways topically very different, there is a vein in each of them that is the same: with each grief, I am met head on with beliefs, patterns, judgments, and pieces of me that may need to 'die,' too.
Death is natural. With each death, there is a rebirth. You have probably caught me saying how we are in a grieving process almost always. As we take a new breath in, we exhale out that which is/was 'dead.' As we awake each morning and do something different in that day, the old has 'died' and the 'new' has begun. When we stop habits or learn something new, the old version of us fades away, as we craft and integrate the new knowledge into who we are now. These may seem easy, silly, or just generic sayings, and yet they showcase the naturalness and frequency of the life/death cycle.
When we lose a person, though, we have lost an anchor or foundation within our experience and life. We have lost someone who would hold the other end of a pattern, a belief, or truth, strengthening and verifying it to us. When they are not there to return 'it' back to us, then is the pattern healthy? Is the belief really ours? Is the truth still true? What have we asked that person to hold (without consciously knowing in most cases)? What did they hold for us out of love? What did they hold for us out of a mutual understanding of what we held for them? What remains of us, after the 'balance' to us is not there?
What love were they able to give us and reflect back to us?
And so begins a newer and possibly deeper uncovering of who we are. A seeing of ourselves in a new light. A reckoning of ourselves with our actions, thoughts, and contributions. You probably know someone who experienced a death and completely changed their lives to pursue their dreams or do the thing they always wanted to do or not hold themselves back or ... These stories aren't uncommon. They make more sense to me now, and in all honesty, I applaud the people who can so bravely 'get the message' and grant themselves the freedom to whole heartedly pursue and be exactly who they are/desire.
There is a finiteness to the details of grief. As we explore what we may define/label as a 'loss,' we are granted access to the details within us that perhaps we weren't able to see/know before. Am I traditionally the organizer in groups because I am actually good and like detail management, or because it is a way for me to retain control? (Which I am s l o w l y learning control is always a belief!) Was I sacrificing parts/pieces of myself to always take on the organizer and peacekeeper role? This access may be super uncomfortable, because as we now see other sides, we have to be willing to let go of the attachment. And, friends, attachment(s) can feel so good! I might even start to think of attachments as the safety zone (as defined by my Ego, which does a bang up job of thoughts around "safety." Bolded to let you know how heavily quoted it is ;) Attachments allow us to believe we have control and know ourselves, and maybe, just maybe these attachments restrict us from seeing and being who we are in each moment. They also can prevent from something new being born. If I continue to hold on to the role of organizer, then perhaps the group may not grow/evolve into something different and into whatever serves now. What serves now = allowance for the present moment to be (enough) Again, I'm learning the present moment is always enough.
With presence, we may have greater awareness and clarity around what our needs are, what we desire, and what is possible. We remain open to the naturalness of the beautiful death/rebirth cycle. We are always evolving and changing and coming into who we are in this moment. It is natural. The physical loss of someone is truly a gift, as it allows us to see where parts of us aren't naturally in that cycle and flow anymore. Again, it's hard and gnarly and one of the most emotionally challenging experiences. It's allowed to be. It can be. It may not be. Sure, some of it is perspective, and some of it is simply living. To not grieve what has passed in some ways may not allow us to honor all that has lived/is alive/living. This feels like a slippery contrast, and yet we are exquisite creatures capable of so many things.
May the life/death cycle be natural for you
May any grief experience fulfill and enliven you
May you know that grace and love are always yours
May you honor and recognize the wholeness of your being & the wholeness of this life experience.
I want to honor and recognize that grief is so much more than I've written of here. This is not meant to dismiss or ignore or dishonor any experience of grief, or any knowledge that exists beyond my understanding. It is just a sampling and a sharing of this time and place for me. ALSO, some of the discoveries as we look at self are loving, positive, and supportive. Don't ignore or disregard these ;-)
As always, I welcome your thoughts, comments, and experiences, if you'd like to share.