This year, I find myself in a completely new place. And yes, I have said and I do say "Each moment is a new moment!" "We can always find what's new and fresh!" This is true for me (#perspective.) What is also true is this #realization that I am actively creating my life from a completely new and different place than ever before.
My gratitude abounds around this realization! Recently, I celebrated my birthday and my usual desire to have a full week's (or month ... it IS January in a cold, bleak, and usually wet climate after all ;) celebration was not necessarily as active or present. I had prepared and thought that was what I wanted, because that is what I have always done. There was a sort of muscle memory around creating space for people to come together, have fun, create memories, and enjoy. The celebrations this year were lovely, they flowed around what came up and was happening for people, and my hubby and I were able to commune with the sun and nature.
While we were hiking, I could feel this tenseness and slight irritation. Where I was aware of these feelings, I hadn't yet received clarity around them. Thoughts like "It's your birthday, Molly! You love your birthday! You set up everything you wanted! You should be thrilled and happy and feeling high on life!" In a (now) former habit (finger's crossed) fashion, I ended up mentally fighting myself trying to get to this place I had defined as 'the place to be (on your birthday.)' This battle left me aware and present, and yet also unable to fully surrender, rest, and be fully present to the beauty around me. (What I love about being in nature is it shifts me almost instantly. So there were many moments of breathing into the beauty, soaking it up, knowing my wholeness, and then almost an instant pop into grr.. this isn't what I am wanting. eee. that thought, sheesh. Every time, it gets me. And, now, with patience, love, and trust, I can release and shift it..just maybe not as quickly as it pops in. #workinprogress
What I also realized during this non-active mental charade (#observermode) was that there weren't necessarily any highs or lows of emotions. So, hang on a second ... this meant peace was present! This is a huge bit for me to be able to honor! Last year, with planning a wedding, COVID, and all other things #2020, peace was the place I was desiring to be as the 'lows' came tumbling in. Experience the emotions, wade through (and discard) the ingrained (usually negative) thought patterns, and settle into the heart, where peace, love, knowing, the true "I" resides. It also highlighted for me how in all of my interactions with people, I would use emotions to decide and determine how the interaction went. If I laughed and had 'positive' emotions, then it was a good time. This system I was following also led me to want to do whatever I could to recreate that.
What really struck me about this is the measured and pre-calculated way I had been living. And, to be super clear, I am not judging this or hating that I did/maybe still do this, or worrying about it being a 'thing.' It's an awareness, and one that I am grateful to unfold. Ultimately, I want to be able to #flow with life. I want to be able to be present and let the experience just be. I don't want to worry about being uncomfortable or having only positive emotions around. I want to know and trust that the experience IS, and however I might feel around it is information to be experienced ... not held on to or analyzed to death (#beentheredonethat! hee hee) I want to be centered in my #heart, living and breathing this experience. It's about knowing that how I look at things, how I allow them to impact me and affect my course/choices is a huge part of what experience I will have.
This #birthday gift was completely unexpected! Imagine if I had fully followed past habits, it may not have shown up. This experience of being shown, fully, just how powerful we are, is one that is humbling and #inspiring. I've read and said bits around exactly what this title is, and now, am so #humbled to know the grounded truth of it. I am #grateful for the awareness. I am grateful for presence. I am grateful for the people who love me, even when I may not be kind to me. I am grateful to be writing this. I am grateful for the #opportunity to spin around the sun again, giving it my best whole hearted effort, so we may all shine on. I am grateful to you, dear Reader. May you experience what you have created, with an open and willing heart. (and some confetti, if it calls for it)
xoxo - Molly